The Fog is Clearing!

I’m alive again.

It’s been a year and a half since I lost Sondra. I have been strengthened by the Lord and observing His precepts, and depending on His Truth to sustain me, but . . .

I feel that ever since the day Sondra was diagnosed with cancer, I have been in overload mode, fight or flight, survival mode . . .

So many people have come to my aid . . .

So much has taught me so much . . .

Yet I have been rocked to the very core of my being.

I have trembled while standing on the Solid Rock of salvation.

I have shaken while being held by the unmistakable, unshakable Christ.

I have tried to steer my ship toward shore, though there was none in sight, and nary a star to guide by.

It’s like going into a fog bank, and losing all of your senses that allow you to navigate, yet having to navigate each new day, with people depending on you to show them the way. In the dense fog you begin to see bright lights piercing the darkness. Are they friend of foe? Do I steer toward them like a guiding light, or could they be the beam of a light house warning of impending doom of the rocks and shallow waters too dangerous to negotiate? I still have my spiritual compass, to follow what is right as prescribed by heaven. I still have a hope that endures, a joy that is independent of happiness and the experience of grace, mercy and love that comes from the Father of all giving the ultimate assurance of our ultimate end. But what of happiness, what of feelings, what of the aloneness I feel at night when I am used to the oneness that only can be found in the touchable presence of ones other half to whom God has joined you into one. For a long time now, only my dear sweet child has come close to bridging the gulf from the joy of our Lord to the happiness of feelings the tells your soul, you are not alone! Lily has truly brought happiness to my darkest days and helped sustain me. Yet I have tried to fill her emptiness when I was near empty myself. I have had so much help with her, to help sustain her and give her a measure of what her mother wanted so badly to supply. And now, in the fog, in the darkness, a touch, a hand of friendship like so many friendly hands in the past, yet different, able to speak words, and even volumes in the mere touch of a hand. I know that over the past two years I have never really been alone, for I know my Christ has always been there, yet I have known that by faith. I have also known that many have experienced similar fates, and have found their way to restoration. But, alas, what I have known only by faith, I can now feel, and may one day see. Yes, like the ultimate gift of Christ, there is completion only when faith becomes sight, and hope becomes reality. When faith becomes feeling, smelling, touching, hearing, seeing! Our senses are restored! I’m alive again! Faith has become sight, and what has been only hoped for is real for the first time! That is resurrection. That is restoration, which is the newness that only God can give. I’m alive again.