Tears are the Rain of Pain, but don't let Pain Reign!

It still hurts so bad at times.
Sometimes I just want to go walk aimlessly, so everyone will know how aimless I feel. I just want to hit a wall with my fist so everyone will know how angry I am, and I want it to leave a big hole so people can see how deeply I hurt.

God has brought so much peace into my life about it all, but the waves of despair are still there.

Such contrast of feelings, and contrary emotions. Can there be an end to the cycle? If the cycle does end, could it please end on the up side?
The whole thing is like a roller coaster ride: when your slowing down the most is when you're the highest in the air, and just when you approach solid ground, you're going at break neck speed. You're at the mercy of whoever is at the controls.

Are they waves of despair or just waves of emotion? Is it truly anger, or just an intense desire that somehow it could have been different?

Somewhere deep in that emotion, I'm not screeming "you did this" but "I want. . . "

Losing Sondra just left a big hole, and I don't want it to just go away as if she didn't matter, I want to fill it! I don't want some Icon or memory device to just remind me of what it's like for someone to really know you, I want to know someone that way again, and be able to say, yes, that's what it's like! I want to take what I've learned into a new relationship, and be able to experience life, to share life, to give and to receive.

As far as hitting that wall, what I really want is for people to know that I have wanted to hit that wall, but it's by God's Grace that I haven't. It's during those times of intense emotion, that the Faith of Christ has sustained me. What I want is for people to understand the intensity of despair I feel at times, but to know that my stability through it all is . . .

Only by God's Grace.

Click on the picture above and watch it rain. Just by looking at the picture, you would never know how many tears had fallen. The Bible says we are to weep with those that weep. This last year has truely given me the capacity to feel the pain of others. God has given a gift in the midst of pain, and I need to learn how to share it with the body. The gift is compassion and empathy.

Only by God's Grace.